Thoughts of a Sprite

Sunday, November 07, 2004

Dilemma

Okay so it is that time... So It is four months now, and I don't know if I am making up excuses to bail, or if they are valid reasons. I was trying to talk myself into not bailing. There are just little things that bother me so. Like the other day, I carried three bags, a cooler, and my purse, and a bag of clothes.... And he walked me to my car, but didn't even offer to help with the bags... Now I was loaded down. Most guys would have just taken one. And now he has stood me up three times. The most recent was Thursday night. We were studying in the library. I had a test in Trig... (got a 91 whew hoooo) Well any of you who know me, know that I don't think properly when I am hungry... I even get to the point that I get a little edgy. So we were supposed to go to dinner at 7 as my test was at 8:30. He decided he would rather stay in the library and study with this chick. That would be all fine and dandy, but the whole two hours I was studying, he was staring at his book, jacking his jaw to this chick, talking on his phone and smoking cigarettes. It took twenty minutes for me to drive, eat and get back. I swear... He never opens my doors, he never tells me I look nice, even when he knows I bought an outfit for the occasion....

Then there is this other guy... He is kind of forbidden fruit. I won't go into detail yet. But I get butterflies in my tummy when he walks into the room.... That has not happened since He who shall never be named... That was almost five years ago. But this guy is almost dangerous. In two ways, first he breaks two of my dating rules, and I can't say which two as of yet because that would give it away.... And second, if I have butterflies in my tummy every thing his name is mentioned, or when he walks in, then just think how attached I could get if I did fall for him. I don't know if I am able to let myself fall like that. It hurts too bad when it is over.

I am scared. I usually just don't give a damn if a guy calls me or not. If I turn a head hey that's nice, but If I don't that is no sweat either. I care with this guy and I hardly know him. I don't like not being in control of how I feel. It scares the shit out of me! And what do I do about the boyfriend? Am I just finding a reason to leave because I fear commitment, am I just distracted by this other guy, or is he really not for me? I know that in the four months I have been with him, I have never been truly attracted to him. He is nice most of the time, a dick some of the time, and drunk the other portion of the time. I think honestly I was just bored. I had not dated in four months and all the sudden I was ready to get out there again! So now what?

I am SO confused. I think I will just pull back into my little hidey hole and not date again. Yet I can't help how I feel about this other guy.... Do I break the guidelines, do I risk my heart again, or do I shut it all out and remain the picture of a cold hearted bitch, but a very lonely person inside? Do I jump? Do I hide?

Singing out for the night... More to come on my little soap opera....

shes_a_sprite @ 1:52 AM.

2 comments

Rachel said...

Ok...Yeah if you are having issues within four months, that is no good. Besides I was just annoyed by the entire scene with him in the library with the chick, while he left you to stress before your test. That is a no no in Rachel land. :)

I have no idea who this "forbidden fruit" is...But I will say that heart ache is a part of life. If you don't feel it through a romantic relationship, you feel it through something else. It will never be the same, because even though "the one who shall never be named" was five years ago, you learned something from that and now you are different person. (hopefully) Some people never learn like my best friend who really knows how to pick em. ;)

I will say this, aren't you going to be moving to go to school? Or are you not moving and you are just going to UF? Anyways bottom line is do what your heart beats. You would not find excuses or issues if they weren't there, you know what I mean? *hugs*

5:54 AM

Larry said...

Boy I really like Rachel’s thoughts... sounds almost like what I was going to tell you. Let it happen, don’t fight it. Life is all a learning experience, live it up.

3:18 PM